At the age of 4, my mother left home and my father was forced to raise me alone. Subsequent to this, my father’s pre-existing health condition began to decline and he was no longer able to care for me. My paternal aunt stepped up and decided to take me in, I avoided being in the foster care system by the skin of my teeth. Years passed, my mom came back into my life; we rebuilt and established an amazing relationship and my dad’s health was stable. It wasn’t until the age of 26, however that I realized I’d never healed from nor addressed my abandonment issues. I thought I’d forgiven my mom for leaving and my dad for shipping me off to be with my aunt, but deep down I never did; I was still dealing with the abandonment.
The spirit of abandonment.
This is something that I carried around for years but never was able to pinpoint it because I lacked knowledge about it. This is the #1 reason I am sharing this with you today. I didn’t know that most of my dysfunctional and unhealthy behavioral traits were due in part to being abandoned. You may be carrying around the weight of trauma too?
I never understood why I so desperately wanted attention from men. In my late teens and early 20s, I had no problem getting what I wanted when I wanted it. I never waited for a man to court or take interest in me; I sought after them. I saw what I wanted, it was always sex, and I went after it. As I grew into adulthood and started to develop my relationship with God, although I gave up sex until marriage, similar behavioral traits were still manifesting. This time, it wasn’t sex that I wanted; it was only attention and time. I often found myself in “situationships” with men JUST because I desired this attention.
“Your worth does not rely in someone’s inability to see it”
Let me preface the rest of this message by saying: I’ve never EVER been blindsided from any man. Every horrible situationship that I’ve been in was because I made a conscience decision to turn a blind eye to it. I desperately wanted the attention and if that meant wasting my time with men who were of no value to me, that’s what I was going to do.
I am not speaking from a place of fully overcoming this but rather a place of awareness. Every now and then, the young girl who was left and often felt overlooked still looks for attention today. I want you to realize this: your worth does not rely in someone’s inability to see it; your worth is in Christ. You are already worth it. Stop looking for a man to give you something that they don’t have the capacity to give you. We have to stop making our present pay for what our past did to us. I would often find myself with “men” who had nothing to offer me, expecting something of value. This is like going to a Chinese Food Restaurant, ordering Soul Food, and being disappointed when they mess up the macaroni-and-cheese. Just because they have a kitchen doesn’t mean they are capable of making the food. Are you picking up what I’m putting down?
People can only give you what they are capable of giving you and if you are looking for a relationship to heal your pain, help you deal with stuff you’ve repressed, fix your insecurities etc., you’ll never get it.
The spirit of rejection and abandonment has been the driving forces behind a lot of the negative decisions I’ve made regarding relationship and friendships. Because I still deal with this, I often find myself doing two things:
- Lusting after men who are not worth my time, on my level, or of value.
- Running, emotionally detaching, and/or cutting ties before I “get cut off”.
When you are left at a young age, some part of you asks: “What’s wrong with me?” “What did I do wrong”; you start looking at yourself as the problem. I have never found so much value in myself until I started to look at myself the way that God saw me. I am not that 4-year-old girl that was abandoned; I am not her, I must continue to remind myself of this.
A huge struggle us single women face is not seeing our worth. The struggle with being overlooked is that you start to ask yourself “What is wrong with me?” As you continue to have this inner dialogue with yourself, the enemy starts to plays with your mind. You start to hear: “you are not worth it” and “you will never find love” ( the war is not physical, it’s spiritual)! These are lies from the pits of hell and I’ve come here to cancel them all. You are loved and valued. You are worth it. You are more than enough not just because of you but also because of the spirit of God that lives in you.
So you’ve read to the end of this message and there were so many things you related to. Maybe you too have been experiencing similar experiences. So what do you do now? You pray and seek help if needed.
Let us pray:
Father God, we come before you today because we need you! We recognize that you are the power greater than us and we thank you for your strength. We thank you because when we are at our weakest or lowest points, we can count on you. We thank you because you promise to never put us through something that wont work out for our good. Although we may have been rejected, pushed to the side; overlooked; devalued; and abandoned, we can seek and find healing in You! There is no issue we face which is too hard for you to handle so we give it all to you today. Heal our broken hearts. Your word says that a broken sprit and a contrite heart you will never despise. Heal us Lord. Seek the deepest wounds of our heart and begin the healing process so that we can be whole. From this day forward, we will walk in the beauty and confidence that you see when you see us. Thank you for this opportunity to shine the light on the dark areas of our life and thank you for your healing power. In Jesus’ name. Amen.