I am tired of being single and I am tired of being celibate. The first four years of celibacy were a breeze but the last two years of this journey have been the hardest. The hardest! After losing my dad, the struggle got real. The feeling of abandonment and rejection coupled themselves with loneliness and grief. Whenever the wave of grief hit me, I was reminded that I am still single and God has yet to come through on His promise. It’s interesting that God encourages us to “be not weary in well doing”, in Galatians 6:9; He knew that doing the right thing would get HARD.
With that, the last few months have been tough. There have been countless moments when I’ve questioned God about this covenant and times I asked: “ What is the use”? I’ve felt weary to the point of exhaustion. I’ve been angry, disappointed, and envious of what others have. I’ve poured my tears and words out on the pages of my journals and in the ears of my friends. I have a hard time sharing the raw frustrations of this wait, while I’m in it, because I want those I share with to have hope. I don’t want you to stop believing God for a spouse because I’m struggling – but I have to keep it real. I need to let you know that you are not alone sis. The wait sometimes gets reallllllll frustrating.
I know it’s hard to see it when you can’t see it! I’m believing God with a mustard-seed-sized faith that this vow will be honored. I believe God had to bring me to this point, of my journey, where I know what I desire so much that I’m unwilling to settle. This weariness coupled with who I was sometime ago would’ve landed me in the bed with an unequally-yoked man. I would’ve settled for anyone. However, as much as it pains me to wait, while seeing others blessed, I’ve given myself no choice but to trust God. At this point, I’m truly just walking by faith – as small as it may be.
I’m still saying NO to men that don’t serve my purpose, I’m still creating boundaries even when it’s intimidating, and I am still saying “No, to Sex and Yes, to God”. I know I am up against a lot of opposition in my wait and I feel the furnace has been turned up to hell degrees but I’m not losing hope. I refuse!
Dear Single Woman, I am you; I overstand what you are going through. I pray that through this, you feel encouraged; at least knowing that you are not alone. I understand the press in the wait. I understand how delay can feel like denial. I understand that the desires can sometimes overtake you. Don’t let anyone shame you into feeling that desiring a marriage and family is wrong. Don’t let anyone tell you: “Don’t think about it and it’ll come”. Be real about your emotions, don’t bury them. I can be certain of this: God will never give you a desire He cannot fulfill. He is not a God of broken promises. So I will pray, while I wait, and hope for that which I cannot see because isn’t that what faith is after all?
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen – Hebrews 11:1
“I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;” – Lamentations 3:20-25 NIV