We don’t often say this but there is a stigma around being single. If you are single past 30 years old, people assume there must be something wrong with you or perhaps, as someone alluded to me yesterday; you must be under some curse.
There are so many: “How to Get a Man in Five Days” Manuals, “Get Married” Fasts and “Find Your Husband” Workshops. I see an overwhelming number of products marketed to us single women. It is quite frustrating to be constantly bombarded with product that perpetuates the idea that we NEED to be married.
We are a vulnerable population and I feel that often our vulnerability is taking advantage of. From married people who want us to idolize their marriage and then pay to get what they have to men who know everything women need to do to be wives. I’ve had enough of it.
Merriam-Webster defines stigma as: a mark of shame or discredit : STAIN. How could I be walking around with this mark of shame for these past few years? I’d let societal standards place a date on when I should be married and burden because I was still single. When I hit 30, and realized that I still wasn’t married; didn’t have children; nor was I the woman I envisioned myself to be at that age, I surrendered. I surrendered and accepted the fact that this was the life God chose for me up until that point. That surrendering eventually turned into impatience, frustration, and disappointment. The journey of singleness is like being on an emotional rollercoaster and if you are anything like me, you know exactly what I mean.We don’t often say this but there is a stigma around being single. Click To Tweet
We have times when completely embracing where we are, times of frustration about where we are, happy moments, times where we feel completely free, feelings of loneliness; you name it. I always envisioned myself getting to this place where I was completely happy with being single, completely free, and completely accepting my relationship status; and I think I’m finally there because of these realizations:
- I was idolizing the idea of getting married which led to anxiousness, internal turmoil, and confusion.
- I wasted too much time and energy trying to piece together scraps trying to make them a man.
- I’ve invested time trying to fix myself to be a wife when I should have just allowed God to heal me for me!
- I no longer want to walk around with this shame about my singleness.
I worked for years trying to prepare myself to be a wife. I’d say that 67% of my recent prayers were focused on marriage. I prayed, fasted, and cried out to God to get married. I WAS IDOLIZING MARRIAGE. I kept pleading with God to answer these questions: “Why am I not married yet?” and “What is wrong with me?”. I begged God to show me the areas that I needed to work on to find a spouse.
One day, I got to my breaking point and I said: “I’ve been doing everything trying to get married – I’ve prayed, I’ve fasted, I’ve prepared myself, I’ve watched sermons and seminars, and still nothing”. God told me: “You’ve done all those things and that’s the problem. You didn’t allow me to do my part”. Sis, I nearly fell out!
You mean to tell me all this work was in vain? Yes, and I needed to hear that! I needed to know that God knows what’s best for me and in His time, He will give me the desires of my heart. I needed the stigma and shame of singleness to be removed from me and in that moment it was.
I felt a peace come over me, that hasn’t left yet, I believe God is doing the work in me to become a better Sade.
If you are still single, there is nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING. Please, please, please stop spending all your time, thoughts, and energy focusing on getting married. Put down the “4 Keys to Finding A Spouse” books and work on your relationship with yourself and God. Begin to find out who you are to God. Begin to see yourself through the lens that God sees you through. Until marriage is no longer an idol, stop praying for a husband plus God heard you the first time.
Here’s what Paul says about singleness:
1 Corinthians 7:17 MSG
And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.
1 Corinthians 7: 32-35 MSG
I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God.
There are a few ways I plan to remove the stain and stigma of singleness:
1. Start talking about my journey more.
2. Continue to embrace where I am in God.
Still need more inspiration for your singleness season? Read:
Share your thoughts with me…