I remember very early on in my singleness, I read all the books on singleness and marriage and watched all the YouTube videos on “the wait”. In my mind, I was training myself to be a wife. I was “working on myself” so that I would be prepared for marriage. My wife was time consumed with “being the wife first before the man comes”, the same rhetoric I was hearing from these relationship experts.
I did everything “right”.
I did all that I knew to do.
When I was “ready” and he didn’t come – the man I thought I deserved after all this hard word, I cried out to God.
“God, I’ve done everything; I read the books, I prepared, I watched the sermons, I worked on me; EVERYTHING. God said to me: “ that’s the problem, you did it; you never allowed me to do it”. I cried and cried about this revelation; it was a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t know what else to do in that moment but to surrender my will and my desire to get married, to God. It was time for me to fall back and just let God work: the weight was off of me.
I know how hard it is to remain faithful to God and celibate. I’ve experienced years of nothing but disappointments; this is the raw truth. I get weary of doing the “God” thing and seeing no results. I get frustrated seeing everyone “flourishing”, in marriage, and I’m still waiting on “the One”. What I won’t do in my singleness, anymore, is idolize marriage so much that all my time is spent “becoming a wife”.
This is why I get so frustrated with these relationship “experts“. They create hours of content for single women on ways to work on themselves to become wives; not much content is geared towards men but that’s another conversation.
“ Get ready until he comes.” “Work on yourself.“ “Learn to be submissive.“ “Go out more.“ “Be less aggressive.“
So many burdens are placed on single women to “get right” and the man will come; that should never be our focus. I wrote this because I want to encourage you to stop “working on yourself”, especially “working on yourself to find a mate”; let God do the work through you!
In the word of God, I think Paul does a great job in explaining what this single season is for and what our focus should be. He says: “…An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
1 Corinthians 7: 34-35
It took me a very long time to process this scripture but I finally understand why Paul encourages us of this. Putting our undivided attention on God and being of service to Him and others, while you’re single, HELPS YOU take the focus off of your status and set your attention on God.
The main reason why I’ve been able to stay celibate for so long is because God has been putting me to work. I spend so much time serving God’s people, working on the projects God has given me, excelling in my career, and enjoying my life. I’m so busy that I don’t often have time to focus on “being single”. I’m rarely sitting home idol; I’m always up to something!
This is what has kept me. This is what will keep you and bring you peace. I am sure there are dreams that God has given you, projects that He laid on your heart to do. There are even places that He’s called you to.
Some of you reading this are stuck and haven’t moved because your perspective on singleness has kept you stagnant. You’re just “waiting” on a husband. There’s too much purpose in you for you to sit still waiting to be found. The “heart” stuff; God’s going to do that for you. He will heal your heart from rejection, trauma, pain, abandonment, hurt, and disappointments.
How can I be sure? He did it for me.
I’m a walking, living, and breathing testimony that God is real and He will mend all of your broken pieces; you don’t have to do anything but reach out to Him. Trust Him in your singleness and He will ready you!